Mom Life

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“What beautiful children you have.”

How many times have we heard this from strangers in the grocery store? Often enough. BUT, probably not as much as we hear this one..

“Wow, you have your hands full.”

Thank you, I hadn’t noticed.

Also..

“Don’t worry, it gets better.”

And..

“I remember those days. They pass quickly, so enjoy it.”

Ok, stranger. I see your advice and I raise you two screaming children smashing grapes I intended to purchase all over the floor while simultaneously knocking things off the shelf and pooping their pants.

In my sarcastic brain, this stranger is being told, “Thank you for your heartfelt life advice. Please hold a moment while I pull out my Precious Moments momento box and commemorative notepad so I can note and treasure this conversation.” In reality, I smile and then sprint to my car fast enough to qualify for some form of the olympics. There are some situations you just can’t leave fast enough.

The worst part of this whole thing is that I usually grocery shop in the morning. These people are seeing me before I’ve been dealing with screaming for a full 12 hours. I’m at the beginning of my hot anxiety sweat for the day and my hair isn’t sticking to my face and neck yet. I’m still relatively free of dirt and bodily fluids at this point. I still have some patience waiting inside my fast-paced heart. If I’m lucky, I’ve also probably had some type of food prior to this outing, like cold soup for breakfast.

For those who are nodding (or crying) while reading this, why don’t we all just stop leaving the house so we don’t have to encounter this madness? I hear Amazon employs drones now. Detergent and diapers can be at your doorstep without ever entering your messy car. As long as motherhood exists, we should all own stock in these drones. I’m going to stop talking about this now because there’s a chance you are reading this and experience none of these things and I just became a hot mess express in your clean and operative mind. Moving on.

As discussed in detail, I don’t always enjoy advice from strangers. But since we’re friends, here is the best advice nobody has ever given you: get your eyebrows done in permanent makeup. Yes, tattoo your eyebrows on. I just saved you 20 minutes you don’t have x 365 days in a row. That’s over 121 hours. You could’ve started a small business with that kind of time. Or at least made a badass scrapbook. Can you even phathom what the eyebrows of a woman who only has 10 consecutive seconds between ongoing screams that repeatedly require their attention would look like? Maybe even 10 seconds of quiet is a generous thought when handing out ongoing punishments to your bored and troublesome kids. And even if you can accomplish what you’ve set out to do, no makeup can outlast kids. You’re going to look like Uncle Leo.

I have a theory that sports and activities cannot create an artist, a genius or an athlete. I do think these things can enhance existing gifts. So, when you see on social media that my kids are in soccer, music, tap, ballet, hip hop, swimming, yoga, pilates, kickboxing, scuba and skydiving, it is not because I’m attempting to morph them into elite citizens. We’re just trying to get out of the house for somewhere other than the grocery store.

To all my mom’s out there, keep doing what you do. We’re all working to embrace this chapter and we’re all sweating our eyebrows off doing it.

 

“The more we embrace the constant change of life, the less we are knocked over by it.” Baron Baptiste

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